Step Wars, by Grace Gabe, MD and Jean Lipman-Blumen, PhD, starts off with the scenario of the excited and happy older couple, misjudging the reaction to their second marriage, and having their happiness shattered by the unexpected, negative responses of their adult children who suddenly weigh in about their parent’s love life and marriage plans. It’s a generational role reversal.
However, it’s rarely friendly and often creates conflict in the marriage, either between the parent and adult kids and/or the new spouse and his or her kids. Whatever the relationship dynamics, it is baffling for the newlyweds to face the unexpected anger and resentment.
Step Wars is divided into manageable chapters covering every significant topic and issue in adult step families. The wedding itself; the role the new spouse should assume whether the joiner, the guardian angel, the unifier, the indifferent, or the distancer; opportunities and dangers; issues around combining households; adult children’s ties to the family home; step sibling relationships; grandchildren; division of property; and holidays, celebrations and commemorations.
The key section of the book explains eight crucial skills that help parents and adult children deal with the Five Furies. These are valuable strategies, labeled Tact and Tacking Skills, that will help resolve conflict. Tact because it is a diplomatic skill incorporating thoughtfulness and caution, and Tacking, which is a nautical term to signify reaching a destination in a series of moves, each at an angle, rather than in a straight line:
Reframe the issue.
Let time pass.
Become an observer.
Use tenacity to maintain and defend your core values.
Trade and negation, or give and take.
Forgiveness, empathy, apology, and tolerance.
Practice transformation through wisdom.
Practice turning away from the problems and letting go.
Adult step families can be rewarding and comforting when parents, adult children and grandchildren work together as a healthy and contented family unit.
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